


If Walls Have Ears, What Do Firewalls Have?

by inoru_no_hoshi



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Multimedia, Timeline What Timeline, modern epistolary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-11 00:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1166280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inoru_no_hoshi/pseuds/inoru_no_hoshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They have access control lists.</p>
<p>Or, Jensen runs a server for his team and dependents' usage. The emails are anything BUT professional.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Walls Have Ears, What Do Firewalls Have?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maharetr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maharetr/gifts).



> This has no distinct beginning and no distinct end; it's kind of amorphous like that. It's also set at some unspecified point pre-movie, since that let me keep it pretty light-hearted. **ETA:** And now that reveals are up, I can not only properly credit the people who helped me, but mention that I also wrote this with my [Cotton Candy Bingo](http://cottoncandy-bingo.dreamwidth.org) card in mind; this is a fill for the free center square, using "Letter(s)" as the prompt. (It would've given too much away to mention it while anonymouse! ;D)
> 
> This owes several key parts of its existence to [KayQy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/KayQy/pseuds/KayQy), for checking the Spanish for me; [ArgylePirateWD](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgylePirateWD/pseuds/ArgylePirateWD), for some help with the graphics and idea bouncing; and [theLiterator](http://archiveofourown.org/users/theLiterator/pseuds/theLiterator) for idea bouncing, shamelessly egging me on, con-crit and beta-duties, and the title. It would quite literally not exist in this form, if at all, without them - thanks, you guys! ♥
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, maharetr!

To: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: After Action Report [draft]

A) that wasn't my fault. B) Google needs to make their translator more accurate - I genuinely didn't know that was a bad translation. C) Your ass will live, sir, right? Or you could get some ass plastic surgery. An assoplasty.

This place reviews pretty well on Yelp, btw. [http://www.cutaprettypicture.com](%5BURL%5D)

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: After Action Report [draft]

Rewrite that so it actually fits regs, Jensen.

And stop fucking trusting google translate, this is the second time I've gotten shot because of you and that damn sad excuse of a translator.

(My ass does not need plastic surgery.)

To: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: After Action Report [draft 2]  
Attachment: AAR.txt

Would you prefer I consult the almighty babelfish, sir? Because I can.

Are you sure you just don't like the name of that clinic?

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: After Action Report [draft 2]

Is it better than google translate?

Yes, I'm sure.

Also, maybe rewrite that report so it doesn't read like something out of a Tom Clancy novel; dialogue isn't regulation, as far as I'm aware.

To: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: After Action Report [draft 3]  
Attachment: AARrevised.txt

No, it's worse. We could try it and see if you get shot more or less; it'd be totally scientific!

How about this clinic? My sister said some of her friends swear by it for boobjobs! [http://www.reimagedclinic.com](%5BURL%5D)

Aw no fun. Rewritten.

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: After Action Report [draft 3]

Let's not. How about you take language lessons instead? Any language. Every language. Just stop getting me fucking shot.

I don't need a boob job, Jensen. Neither does my ass.

Spellcheck and send that to me via official channels.

To: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: After Action Report [draft 3]

Yes sir!

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: JENSEN.

Downloading every copy of Rosetta Stone and LOUDLY doing them during downtime is NOT what I meant, and you know it.  
\--  
To: Jolene (girlpooch@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: We're on stand-down...

But don't worry, everyone's okay.

To: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jolene (girlpooch@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: We're on stand-down...

Excuse me? You only say something like that when you're HURT, Linwood.

Talk. Now.

To: Jolene (girlpooch@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: We're on stand-down...

I'm not hurt, babe. No one's hurt.

Well, except Clay's ass. Jensen's joking about "assoplasties", which Clay might shoot him for, but yeah, that's normal. So we're all good.

To: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jolene (girlpooch@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: We're on stand-down...

Uh-huh. You better not be lyin' to me about being fine.

Any substance to Jensen's jokes?

To: Jolene (girlpooch@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: We're on stand-down...

Swear on your luscious ass I'm FINE.

Speaking of asses, do you really think I'm gonna go look at Clay's literally butt-ugly ass just to satisfy your curiosity? I don't want to get shot today; that'd make me retroactively a liar, and then you'd get pissed at me. The Pooch don't like it when his girl's pissed at him.

To: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jolene (girlpooch@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: We're on stand-down...

Nicely manoevered, babe. It's even an excuse I can't argue with.

I'll just ask Jensen. ;)

To: Jolene (girlpooch@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: We're on stand-down...

What? Jolene!  
\--  
To: Cougar (cougs@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: [Esto es tú!](*)

...[No pudo encontrar un puma verdadero con un sombrero, lo siento.](*) :(

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Cougar (cougs@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: [Esto es tú!](*)

[Al menos tiene el sombrero.](*)

To: Cougar (cougs@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: [Esto es tú!](*)

[Yo sabía que te gustaría!](*)  
\--  
To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as), Cougar (cougs@uuddlrlrab.as), Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as), Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Roque (roquesquadron@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: whoever took my knife

had better fuckin return it RIGHT NOW

To: Roque (roquesquadron@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: whoever took my knife

The Pooch has been elected to inform you ain't none of us took your damn knife; do you think any of us actually have a death wish or some shit?

Jensen suggests looking through your shit in case of misplacement; Cougar went to roost; Clay rolled his eyes; the Pooch says maybe go stare threatening-like at the newbies on base who ain't likely to know better than to touch your knives.

Also we ratified a "don't get cut by Roque" agreement so threatening us is illegal and we'll sic Jolene on you.  
\--  
To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: When I said "learn a language"

I probably should have specified "useful phrases first". Alternately, "harmless phrases first". Or the intersection of both.

I neither need nor want to know why you know how to say "Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?" in 14 different languages; I would, however, like to remind you that practicing in current-locale coffee shops or equivalent is perhaps not the best idea.

I'll make you bail yourself out next time. If bail is even an option; if we have to break you out, none of us will be happy.

To: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: When I said "learn a language"

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: When I said "learn a language"

...It's disturbing how much that makes me feel bad for chewing you out, Jensen. Stop it.  
\--  
To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Why is Roque cackling?

Do I even want to know?

To: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Why is Roque cackling?

I found his theme song on Youtube. :D

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: Why is Roque cackling?

I am both disturbed and curious. Link?

To: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Why is Roque cackling?

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12PWq22E9CQ>

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Why is Roque cackling?

Holy fucking shit. Tell Jolene I died laughing and not in the line of fire.  
\--  
To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Hey

Have you eaten anything recently? Or, you know, slept?

To: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Hey

Candy bars are a valid meal!

What is this sleep thing you're talking about? Jensen has not slept; Jensen needs no sleep.

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Re: Hey

Great. You've gone loopy on cyclical sugar rushes/crashes and lack of sleep. I'll be right there with food and a pillow.

To: Jensen (jj@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Stop arguing with Pooch

And go fucking sleep for a few hours; "critical" is not actually code for "no one sleeps until it's over", nor is it code for "Jensen does not sleep until it's cracked".

SLEEP.

To: Cougar (cougs@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Go Jensen-sit

Literally, if you have to - he's not listening to Pooch OR me. Just get him away from the computer and asleep for a few hours.

To: Clay (clay@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Cougar (cougs@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: Re: Go Jensen-sit

Understood.

To: Cougar (cougs@uuddlrlrab.as)  
From: Pooch (thepoochinator@uuddlrlrab.as)  
Subject: THANK YOU

We should make you a Jensen-wrangling medal or some shit. Or maybe ask Jolene to bake you some cookies.

**Author's Note:**

> The video Jensen sends to Pooch is hugely, hugely anachronistic given movie release date and probable timeline at that point, but it fit _so well_ that I couldn't resist using it. It's also the only not made up link in this.
> 
> Also ugh I apologize for how small the top image turned out - I had to play image hosting roulette because my first choice kept failing to display things and tumblr hates oversize images. :/ (Also, if that's not actually a bad translation...just go with it? >_>)


End file.
